The word ‘college’ has been used throughout this article instead of ‘university’. Do not confuse it with an institute that helps you clear Intermediate.
Contrary to the hellish concept of high school gora movies have created for us, schools in Pakistan aren’t that bad. People are nice, the teachers aren’t all community college dropouts and bullies are relatively contained. There are always exceptions, obviously, but for every black boy rap crew drowning weak white boys in toilet water, we have a fat kid with a rich dad and for every bitchy cheerleader willing to go to any length to stay in the lead, we have a girl who gets good grades and has hair that smells pretty. But, since it’s so safe, it tends to get boring. Once again, our beloved Hollywood steps in and with the likes of American Pie and Project X, offers us the illusion of a post-school world with greener pastures and easier women. Enter the world of college. A place that promises everything your horny little face ever thought of digging itself into. You rush to get the admission forms and study hard to get in. But once you do, the bitter taste of realization spreads in your mouth like an STD in a college dorm and you are left with nothing but a box titled ‘Sigh’ and a tissue paper wet with fluids of questionable origins. Enter, college. For real.
- College does not get you laid: Every college based Hollywood movie has fed you with the illusion that no matter how uninteresting or physically unappealing you are, there are atleast a dozen girls ready to take away your virginity to places you’ve never imagined it to go to. Wrong. Unless you are willing to get out of your acne infested shell, the only action you are getting is a push while standing in the cafeteria waiting line.
- College girls are uncontrollable sluts with no moral code whatsoever: Despite the fashion obsessed pieces of art you get to see in class every day, you haven’t had the chance to get in anyone’s pants. That’s simply because most of these women hold somewhat strong values and although Hollywood HAS kind of influenced them enough to laugh at sex jokes and dance at night parties with you, they are going to end up getting engaged, or worse married, by the 6th semester anyway.
- You can party your way out of everything: You can’t. There’s a reason why an 8th semester senior is taking a 2nd semester course with you. And that too for the 3rd time.
- Nerds are losers who will never make it big in life: In all honesty, nerds are exactly the kind of people who will make it big in life and then diss your sorry little stud boy ass when you show up in their company for an entry level job interview.
- Back benchers are cool: They are. I absolutely agree with that, one hundred percent. What’s not cool is that the grades the teacher gives are directly related to his/her line of sight. So the first row gets A’s, the second row tends to get B’s and by the time the grade sheet reaches the last bench, all that’s left to be given is Ds and Fs.
- That one hot teacher might just be into you: Yeah no, she’s not. I get the obsession with cougars and MILFs. I also get where they come from. But long story short, the only man that this particular teacher’s going to make happy is her husband who she’s already had a couple of kids with. Sorry, guess getting a grade won’t be as easy as it was in Naughty America. And finally…
- I play football/cricket/music and I am a God: No, you are not. Neither is that one dude playing guitars in that Jal/EP cover band you find playing at every event the college hosts. Cheerleaders and groupies are low in supply since neither sport nor music or art pays enough to fund the glam trickling lifestyles of the soon to be married college hotties. On the other hand, that one dork who knows math seems to be spending a lot more time with eager females and Instagram shoots.
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