10 Things it’s time for Pakistanis to realize

I was born, raised and spoilt in Pakistan. It was fun. It gave me cricket, it brought me Polka and just when I thought all was well, it gave me World Cup, 1999. Even better were, and have always been, the people that populate this wonderful piece of land. Loving, caring, mysteriously dying, people with their hearts full of fire and their eyes full of dust. To cut it short, I’ve loved this country and have expressed that at multiple occasions This, however, shall not be one of them. Pakistani awam has had its share of crazies and that doesn’t seem to be ending anytime soon. Most of these behavioral fruit loops are annoying, overdone and worth punching people in the face for.

Following is a list of things I think the Pakistan awam SHOULD realize before it gets nuked in the gut for good.

  1. There is a maila in all of us. Though, there are different degrees of the extremeness with which we are compatible with it. Just because you don’t dance to Tamil songs or laugh at Umer Sharif, doesn’t mean you get to judge anyone else. Let it flow out of you and into the world. Ever seen a true maila? He is happy as fuck. Learn from that.
  2. There’s a reason our maadri zabaan is NOT English. And that’s probably why most of the people around you ( or some ) will not be good at it. If your father worked hard, got paid well and got you into a good school so you could speak and act the way you do now, doesn’t mean anyone else’s father didn’t try just as hard. When you judge a person on his English, you are judging a whole chain of elements, including his family, his father, his background and probably their lack of resources. Reham karo. Zalzala aya tau tum bhi sarak par ho gay.
  3. It’s one thing to shop at Sunday Market/Jumma Bazaar and another to glorify the fact that you did so. It’s pretty much a kabaari market for people who like a good deal and cheap clothes. Not so cool now, is it?
  4. Playing FIFA does NOT make you a gamer. Get over yourself.
  5. You’re a liar for telling your friend you won’t be late for class, a cheater for violating the traffic signal every morning and a big fat thief for stealing notes off the internet to complete your business research due next week. Stop pretending to be the Allah miyan ke gayein your amma thinks you are. Would really save us the trouble of fighting you over “Islam” on the internet.
  6. If you are a dead motorcyclist, chances are you were stupid enough to assume the main road was your naani ka sehan. Stop looking down on car/bus walas with all that hate. They have more of you to watch out for.
  7. Everything a motivational speaker tells you is a collection of words/phrases/quotes from books, movies, popular songs and sometimes indie porn movies. That collection is usually called “Life”. Stop paying 10,000 Rupees to learn how to live it. Leave your house and it would come to you naturally.
  8. The Lala in Shahid Afridi is similar to those childhood toys that spring up every now and then around the house and manage to give you a few smiles. Stop allowing people like me to take advantage of you by selling you crap with Lala’s face on it. Even Pepsi’s given up on him now.
  9. Just because you watched Batman, doesn’t mean you get an advantage over the countless years lonely geeks have put into reading comic books and getting fat in the process. Respect that, read a book and then enter a discussion.
  10. I congratulate you for trying to have a music career in Pakistan but Taher Shah just got viral and you will probably be covering his song in the years to come. Stop trying so hard, play your music and agree to the fact that you are eventually getting a desk job in a “marketing company”.
  11. Remember those days when you would get likes/comments on your status updates? Then you decided to put 3600 hashtags and no one ever came back? #TimeToTakeItEasyBro
  12. A girl who shows skin is not a slut. Because if that’s what we were doing, your bearded father has a bomb strapped to his chest.
  13. Bachi CBM ke ho ya IBA, kisi abba ke hay and Inshallah aik din apkay ghar bhi paida hogi. Thora khayal kro. Karma is a super, super bitch.
  14. Fat guys now have girlfriends and fat girls now get married. Start eating. Food was given to you, so you could stuff it down your throat. Shukar kar aur sehat bana.
  15. And finally, remember that one guy, back in the day, who would take his batting and then run home saying, “Ammi, bularahi hein”? Don’t be that guy. Neither literally nor metaphorically. We hated him then, we hate him now.

Yes. 15. I lied. Told you I am a proud Pakistani.

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113 thoughts on “10 Things it’s time for Pakistanis to realize

  1. Cashif Abbas

    Like others, I must admit.. Dude you had got the guts to pour your observations on paper as a critic yet creative writer! Keep it up. i can not see you’re twitter handle and Fb fan page?! And yeah add this too in your list #16 you lied when you say to you’re child always speak truth after saying this “go and tell you’re uncle i’m not at home” #mar

    Reply
  2. Rehan Elahi

    You’re not an expert on cricket. So before taunting Afridi to show that you’re cool, go and consult Wisden or any other credible cricketing brains about what they say about him.

    Reply
  3. Moeed Ali

    point 4 ….. thats how we roll ….. thank u for that ….. πŸ™‚

    now ppl wud actually think atleast once, before playing FIFA… and twice before calling themselves GAMER afterwards.

    Reply
  4. Pingback: 10 Things it’s time for Pakistanis to realize | up in the air

  5. Who the fuck?

    Sunday Market/Jumma Bazaar

    If you are looking for the Urdu word for Sunday it’s Itwar. Maadri zabaan toh tumhe nahi aati.

    Reply
    1. Sana

      I don’t think the writer is implying a translation for Sunday. In case you didn’t notice Sunday market and Jumma bazar are two separate markets, very obvious by the use of ‘/’ between them which typically means and – or

      Reply
  6. Umer Hanif

    So much hate, i see.. Why the heck are you and your family living in Pakistan ? Why did your grandparents stayed or came to this country in 1947 ? People like you my dear, with hate in their hearts may sound pleasant enough to others, but at least I do not take your BS! Though you are pretending to be kind, your heart is full of all kinds of evil. While your hatred may be concealed by trickery, it will finally come to light for all to see.

    β€œDarkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.”
    ― Martin Luther King Jr.

    p.s. Better not spread hatred you witty and sarcastic emotional freak

    Reply
  7. SanaH

    I was expecting something completely different from the title and the fact that I’ve seen this post pop up on my feed multiple times. Clearly people agree with you but you are talking about a very small bubble of people who sound like middle to upper middle class Karachiites. Hardly lessons for Pakistanis to learn when our character problems are much graver than trying to act cool.

    Reply
  8. βˆ† A M Y R E (@aamyre)

    “It’s one thing to shop at Sunday Market/Jumma Bazaar and another to glorify the fact that you did so. It’s pretty much a kabaari market for people who like a good deal and cheap clothes. Not so cool now, is it?”

    It’s still quite cool actually.

    Reply
  9. Pingback: 10 Things it’s time for Pakistanis to realize | Scribbles and Footprints

  10. Shen

    Good one. Spot on.
    Make it 16 … Standing in queues is not banned in Pakistan, you do stand in queues everywhere in your foreign tours, its about time you learn to do that in Pakistan as well.

    Reply
  11. Farazeh

    I started reading this thinking I’d enjoy it but you came off as a bitter person. Stop trying so hard? Great suggestion! I suggest you stop giving people advice on how to live their lives if you’re going to be so negative. The word ‘Pakistani’ doesn’t come with these stereotypical characteristics. Live and let live πŸ™‚

    Reply
  12. Shahzzee

    Ah Yes, Our typical Ramish Safa, i like the part about the mailas, they actually give you reality check every once in a while.

    Reply
  13. amna

    it should be titled “10 things it’s time for KARACHITES to realize” maila, tamil songs, sunday/itwar bazar, english ka complex, CBA & IBA has nothing to do with all of Pakistanis…please don’t add Pakistanis into this list, rest of them dont even have the “puul ka iss paar aur uss paar’ ka complex either

    Reply
  14. Salman

    bro its a well written material.. However there’s a small mistake.. World cup won by Pakistan was in the year 1992 not 1999 πŸ™‚

    Reply
  15. White Pearl

    Very very thought provoking and True facts….I just couldn’t stop myself while reading…..You have described all the true things in such heart touching words……Thumbs Up !! You really are a Proud Pakistani and You have proved it with this Post ! Pakistan Zindabad πŸ™‚

    Reply
  16. Tayyeba

    Oh,you have got a pretty good sense of humor,Sir.
    A huge round of applause for you.
    Loved the 14th one.
    And,so I have played FIFA,Assasin Creed,Assasin Creed Brother hood,Call of Duty: Black Ops 2,Battlefield 3.GTA 5, NFS:Most Wanted, Hit Man & Far Cry 3,etc.
    NOW I CAN CLAIM MYSELF AS A GAMER.
    Oh,yes.
    *Evil laugh*

    Reply
  17. furreekatt

    I usually go to Sunday Bazaar for the sole purpose of buying books (I got a brand new Stephen King book for 40 rupees whilst it was for 600 rupees in Liberty – it even smelt like it was fresh off the printing press) and I tell everyone I know about the great discoveries I’ve made there. But that’s just to let them know that a few hours in the sun will fill up half their wishlists faster than their rich aunt/uncle overseas can…

    Thank you for #5 and #9! I know a lot of people who need to read those points.

    I used to think lowly of educated people with poor English grammar a few years ago, when I was in my early teens. Although I haven’t done that in ages, I still feel guilty about it and would definitely take it all back if I could. I really have no right to judge people who don’t speak 100% correct English, since I’m not 100% in a single thing I’ve ever done in my life.

    Great post – a bitter one, but I’m glad you wrote it.

    Reply
  18. Raiha

    Just a few changes here and there (IBA ki jaga NUST, CBA ki jaga Bahria, and a slightly different definition of Maila) and this WILL fit in Pindi/Islamabad. Puri kaum k yehi complexes hain, siraf Karachi walon k nahi!

    Great post, those who got pissed probably fit in ALL these stereotypes themselves…

    Reply
  19. Hamza Butt

    FFS. fifa players are not gamers ? seriously ? . Thats one dislike my friend ! you are not just pointing finger at FIFA but also the football sport my friend !!. Your post comment just felt short my friend. Just short. Nice try though. Good luck playing ludo !

    Reply
  20. Fareed

    I expected more when you refer to “things Pakistanis need to realize” – instead of just limiting whole of Pakistan to just your college building and assuming that what you observe around is somehow going around all over Pakistan .
    But I don’t mean to discourage you- just to encourage you to really go around and see more of a Pakistan.

    Reply

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